"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."--e.e cummings

About this time until the end of the first week of the quarter, I am academically enthused. But from there on out, I hate absolutely everything related. Also, about this time until Spring creeps up, I'm walking on water with grand plans popping out of every crevice in my skin. Not so much this year, though. I feel more polished after this most recent cycle of being tumbled around in space and time, so to speak. In that, pushing through the less fortunate times of recent past has humbled me, and as a result I feel like I have more perspective. I don't necessarily feel more aware, just older; fighting for fewer false impressions, because I've been around long enough to see through the bullshit 18 year old me was completely blind to. I realize I have to grow up and that I've ran out of my allotted years of "Trial & Error". I'm going to graduate this year, and I have no idea what I'm going to do afterward-- and it makes me want to scream until the windows of all the houses and cars in a five mile radius shatter to a bajillion pieces. I'm terrified and frustrated with myself for not having all the answers. But what would be the fun of life, otherwise, right? I think that's what I'm supposed to say.

I've been conceptualizing it like this: It's obscenely easy to 'step up to the plate'. The plate itself can be difficult to locate at times, but it remains accessible somewhere between 'I'm bored' and 'I'm getting older'. Stepping up to the plate is just another act of finding a place to stand still. I know this from experience. I'm a veteran at this game; skilled and well acquainted, I assure you. Although I refuse to carry out the baseball metaphor, I will get straight to the point and say change is fucking arduous and I've been going about it all wrong for years. And now I'm staring into middle space, wondering what the fuck to do next-- hoping that soon I can have a great distance between who I am now and who I'll be in the future, to the extent that I can't even fathom actually having had embodied the former. Because this shit is getting old.

So in proper fashion, I'm watching Reality Bites while I write this. This part is coming up soon:

This is right before Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke's character have pretty sex. Anyway, I digress.

Here, let's throw out some short term goals. By my 24th birthday (June 28th), I aim to

1. Make straight A's.

2. Lose 30 lbs.

3. Find and land the perfect internship.

4. Read every day.

5. Write every day.

I'll figure out an attack plan tomorrow. But for now, I'll just caress my abundance of newly purchased office supplies and wait for the residual natural high to wear off. This is my last night of vacation. I better milk it for all it's worth. Let the 90's romantic comedy marathon commence!

xoxo.